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In April 2019 het André Bekker nege getuienisse van voorheen homoseksuele mense van Suid-Afrika op Facebook geplaas. Hier is die eerste een.
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My name is Sibusiso Mahlangu and I am a living testimony that change from unwanted same-sex attraction (SSA) CAN happen. One thing that needs to be made clear is that if you want a quick fix or an overnight solution – then this is not for you.
For many years I thought that if I pray hard enough or fasted long enough or cast out demons enough I could finally be rid of my unwanted SSA affliction. The only thing that those beliefs did was leave me hopeless and convinced that I was forced to live a life that I did not want.
Like many of my fellow afflicted men, my life had many of the ingredients that caused SSA: an absent father, a sensitive nature, a very close relationship with my mother and sexual abuse at a young age. Reading through the testimonies and stories, I saw my own life being lived by other men who were sometimes on a different continent to me which helped me to realise that SSA does not discriminate based on race, nationality or even gender.
My story starts pretty much the day I was born. My parents got divorced when I was two months old, at which point my mom moved back to her mother’s house where she raised me along with my grandmother. My first interaction with my father happened when I was six years old: after discovering pictures of my mother on her wedding day, I inquisitively asked who the strange man was, standing next to her was and where he was. After explaining to me that the strange man was my father, I excitedly asked if I could meet him. My mom called him and arranged a ‘date’ for us on a Saturday. He agreed to pick me up and took me to a stadium to watch a soccer match followed by a day of watching as he drank and enjoyed his time with his friends.
Needless to say, my biological father was never a part of my life (I could probably count on
my fingers the number of times I have seen him in my life). This obviously meant that my single-parent-mother was forced to raise me by herself. She did remarry when I was eight years old but my formative years had passed and the destructive seeds off SSA had already been planted.
As a young boy, I didn’t get along with other boys because of a distorted masculine identity. It didn’t help that I was surrounded by females (mother, gran, aunts, sister, cousins, teachers and friends) which reinforced a strong sense of feminine energy.
Although my sexual abuse did not happen at the hands of an adult, it still did cause some if not more damage. When we stayed with my gran, a female neighbour that was four or five years older than me would lock me up in her house and fondle me and force me to touch her naked body. When we moved to a different neighbourhood, I had my first sexual encounter with a boy that was also older than me.
We lived in a flat and he was my upstairs neighbour. He introduced me to pornography (a pornographic VHS tape he had stolen from his older brother). Things escalated from the porn to touching each others penises and progressed to me performing oral on him and eventually to us taking turns in penetrating each other anally – ‘bumshots’ he called it. I was 10 years old.
When we moved out of that neighbourhood, all my physical sexual activity pretty much stopped until I was 19. In that time however, I would fantasize about sex acts with other boys and men whilst simultaneously experiencing a string of rejections from females that I liked and wanted to pursue romantic relationships with.
When I graduated from high school, my SSA took on a life of its own. I used my very first colour-screen, internet-enabled cellphone to watch innumerable hours of gay pornography and meet a vast number of men and boys on chat sites. In six years, I had slept with a scary amount of men with a wide range of ages and races (between 18 – 60 years old).
From the age of 19, I was also introduced to alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. It was in this time that I contracted HIV. My life became a wild party. I became addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, cocaine and kat (a local drug that was similar to cocaine but cheaper. I lived a debaucherous lifestyle – all the while keeping my SSA encounters a well guarded secret from my family and friends.
In 2012 I met a lady that would later became my wife and we started dating in early 2013 and I wish I could say my SSA ended there but it didn’t. I continued to live a life filled with pornography (mostly gay) and masturbation – which I hid from her whilst all the while having sex with her.
All my life I tried to “pray away” and “wish away” my SSA to no avail. I wrongly believed for a very long time that SSA was a spiritual affliction and when I realised that casting demons out was not working, I figured it must be a physical affliction so I tried my best to not think about it – that didn’t work either. After researching my affliction on the net, I was convinced that it was an emotional affliction so I dealt with my feelings of rejection, abandonment and my broken masculine identity which worked for a while…until it didn’t.
The truth of the matter is that it is not a single-aspect affliction but a network of different elements that conspire to keep you entangled in bondage. With the help of a counselor, I was finally able to gain control of my sexuality and begin the path to change.
For me, deliverance was an important element in overcoming my SSA. Through deliverance I was able to overcome the destructive habits of drinking, smoking and taking drugs which were tools that I used to express my self-loathing. I also overcame masturbating and watching pornography which kept me in a state of perpetual spiritual defilement. All these destructive habits left me emotionally damaged because of the shame and disgrace that I constantly felt.
However, lasting change only happened with the most important element at the center – Jesus Christ! I needed him to affirm his love for me and affirm the freedom that He won for me on Calvary. I had to learn to surrender myself in every aspect of my life to Him and walk in obedience of His known will for me.
God also placed people in my life that loved me unconditionally and accept me with all my flaws and sordid history – I found this in my wife to be. Her constant love, forgiveness and acceptance gave me the courage to continue fighting for my true masculine self.
Change is definitely possible but it does not happen instantly. One needs to be prepared to
take the journey that will have ups and downs but victory is guaranteed if you stick around to let it happen. Although some of the elements of my victory were instantaneous (addiction to masturbation, pornography, alcohol and drugs). The emotional healing and unwanted attraction is something that takes constant work and dedication.
Today, I have been freed from addictions for 4 years and am firmly in control of my unwanted SSA and my masculine identity. I got married to my wife on 20 August 2018 and I am a living testimony that change can happen, and since there’s nothing particularly special about me…if I could do it, anyone can! What is impossible with man is possible with God.